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Mrs. Beefcake
O L L Y 03081991
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* ★ Monday, January 12, 2009  Now I feel much better after talking so much abt it with my mom&dad&sis and Ash. First of all, I want to say THANKS to Ash as she accompanied me yesterday all the way and she tried her very best to help me feel better. Yesterday I seriously felt like dying and horrible until I do not know what should I do from now on. I can't believe my 3yrs of effort is gone like this and I don't know why I am the one who get this kind of result. Yesterday a lot of people asked me abt my result which made me even more crazy. Frankly, I expected better than this as I always tried my best to maintain my L1R5 and never thought or even imagined of this kind of result. Yes, I couldn't sleep at all and hate all people who did well in O level. I just can't accept that this is real and I have no choice now. Anyway now I think I am overcoming it. My parents told me that maybe this is the chance for me to start everything again and this is time for me to experience a setback. I know I didn't really have any setback throughout my life as I always tried my very best in every single thing to make my life perfect. I will try to take this as lesson that there is still a lot of ways for me to achieve what I want in the end. I will start everything again and I will just think positively that maybe this is good time for me to know myself as O is still less important than A. I feel really lucky that I have wonderful family who are always cheering me up and never say the word 'disappointed' to me. Lastly, I love ASH sooooo much. Thx for your song over the phone, I was really touched and you rock! Love you all.P.S. 2009년 1월부터 울일도 너무 많고 받아들이기엔 너무 가혹한 현실들로 숨이 턱턱막히고 진짜 지옥끝으로 떨어져서 세상에 버림받은것 같았다. 하지만 엄마아빠말처럼 오히려 이게 더 잘 된거라고 생각하고 하루빨리 마음을 잡아야 할 것 같다. 이대로 다 포기하고 남들 실망시키기엔 내가 내자신에 너무 화가나고, 내가 세상에서 경멸하다못해 정말 지독히도 역겨워하는 '실망' 이라는 단어로 나 자신을 형용하기엔 너무 화가나고 억울하다. 정말 가끔 내가 너무 행복할때 우스갯소리로, 나도 한번 바닥으로 떨어질만큼 힘든 상황이 닥치면 어떻게 될까? 한번쯤은 죽도록 힘들어서 실컷 울어 봤음 좋겠다라고 생각했던 적이있는데 막상 닥치니 감당이안된다. 그래도 다 뜻이 있어서 이렇게 십대의마지막인 19세를 쉽게 보내지 마라고 하느님이 주신 기회라고 생각하고 다시 열심히 해야겠다. 다신 울지 않기를 바라며 한번더 항상 옆에있어주는 상연이와 너무 사랑하는 우리나영가 옆에 있다는게 정말 행복할뿐이다. 아마 아직 하느님도 날 사랑하시나보다.  |
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